It’s been a while since I’ve written and some of you may be wondering why. Life. Life happens even when you try to dig your feet in and stop it. Or at least slow it down. But you can’t. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you try to balance things out, life comes down on you aggressively and even the most secure of us, the most confident, take the blow with less than aplomb.
I was blessed to be able to take time off a year ago when I was “let go” due to “funding issues” in a non-profit that I thought I’d retire at. D told me I should take a few months and write the book I hadn’t written yet. And I did. Which was amazing and I’m very proud of. When the honeymoon was over, I applied to jobs and unfortunately took one that consumed my life. It consisted of a fantastic philosophy, amazing people. lots of learning and running me ragged.
During this time, I had a daughter who had a suicide attempt, kids telling me I wasn’t putting them first anymore – even though financially I was giving them more than I had before. Three of my kids were begging for more therapy from a situation that occurred in the past. The relationship that meant the most to me and was already gasping for air was hitting rock bottom. I gave up running almost completely because I didn’t have the time and – if I’m completely honest – I was exhausted.
I still got asked to write for publications and almost always it was a request for “finding balance”. Apparently having 13 kids gives me the cutting edge advantage on that. Truly it just means that sometimes I’m better at juggling, robbing peter to pay paul or however you want to slice it. Balance it wasn’t.
I didn’t write because I didn’t want to let everyone down. You can say that I wasn’t letting anyone down, but I was letting myself down. I was letting my family down. In the end I lost the job due to “management decision”. No warning, no explanation and again I was loyal to a dream that wasn’t mine and it hurt like hell. I was working my ass off for someone else’s dream. Again, I was on unemployment. This time my relationship was suffering. My kids felt second best even though they’re my number one. But again, I had support to take my own dreams to the next level.
So I am and I feel blessed. Poor, yes but I have the opportunity to try and that’s an amazing gift. There is healing that is taking place here in my home. Therapy is playing a part and time to allow healing is at the forefront. A new balance is taking the place of some outdated habits. Renewing the philosophy of a healthier lifestyle both with diet and exercise has been re-implemented. We are recalling things we love, setting goals, renewing all the beauty and love that resides in this home. Even though it’s been off balance.
Balance isn’t a one time thing. Life kicks you in the baggage and every time you need to determine if you’ll kick back and how hard. You have to reevaluate what’s really important. The deep shit. The toughest stuff. You have to bare it in a raw, vulnerable, uncomfortable manner. And then, my friends, you need to move forward. Bigger, better, more exceptionally wonderful things are up ahead. Don’t look back – you’re not going that way.